I don't even know where to start with this post. So much has happened, and I wish that I could express all that I have felt and learned throughout this experience. In order to truly share my experience, we will have to go back to January of 2008. I had my mission call. I would be entering the MTC on the 18th, which was a Wednesday. I spent the weeks prior getting all of my ducks in a row. The Sunday before, I went to both sets of grandparents homes, just like I had almost every other Sunday of my life. I made sure to give them each an extra hug and said goodbye for 18 months. The the day before I would be leaving I had a very strong feeling that I should go and say goodbye to my grandma Bateman again. To this day I can still remember exactly where I was standing in my house, and exactly what I was doing when I had that feeling. I remember all of that because I also remember making the decision that I was too busy to do it. Justifiably I really was extremely busy, but that was one of the biggest regrets of my life to this day.
First lesson learned, follow those promptings.
I went to the MTC, and a little over a month later, on February 26, 2008 my grandma Bateman died. I wasn't expecting it. It really hit me hard and it was really hard to be away from my family during this time. I wanted to talk to my dad, and I didn't at the same time. Because I was serving a mission, something I knew my grandma was proud of, I decided I would follow the rules and turn down the option I was given to talk to my dad on the phone. I wasn't able to go to the funeral.
Fast forward.
My mission was 18 months. I loved it with all of my heart. However, because I was on my mission, I didn't get to see my family. This became normal. So when I came home from my mission and saw everyone, I kind of just kept telling myself that grandma was still around, but I just hadn't seen her. It was weird. It's crazy how much a funeral really does give you closure. I just never talked about it. When people did talk about her, I started to feel the ache in my heart and the loss of not only my grandma, but also not taking the extra step to say goodbye, so I pushed it down deep. My grandpa Bateman seemed to kind of understand that I missed out on something important. Being a returned missionary himself, he was also very proud of me.
A few days after I'd gotten home, my grandpa Bateman came and picked me up and took me to lunch at Leatherbee's and then we went out to grandma's grave. It was such a special treat for me. My grandpa really loved me and I knew it. I always felt extremely close to my grandpa, but after my mission he and I became closer. I got to see him so many times at the temple. He always gave me a big hug and would sit and chat with me in the celestial room. Every time he saw me he would light up and I felt special.
Three weeks before my wedding Cory was having my wedding ring and engagement ring soldered together. My grandpa gave me one of my grandma's rings to wear in the meantime. I got my wedding ring back on my wedding day. I found my grandpa to give him the borrowed ring back and he took me aside and got teary eyed and let me know that the ring was a wedding gift from he and grandma. I wear the ring every single day. It means so much to me.
Fast forward almost 5 years.
Cory and I decided to go to ward temple night. We got there late and Provo temple is always packed (thank heaven for 2 new temples opening soon in our area) and we missed our session. We decided to do sealings together instead. As we were in the sealing room I realized that it was February 19th, which was my grandma Bateman's birthday. I then noticed my ring (grandma's ring) and felt very strongly that all was well. It was the first time since she had died that I felt calm about her being gone. I tried very hard to keep my emotions in check. On our drive home I told Cory about it and he told me I should call my grandpa and share that with him. I am so grateful that I did. I called grandpa Bateman and he answered and I told him about my amazing experience in the temple. He let me know that he had an amazing experience at the temple earlier that morning too. He also reminded me that it wasn't only grandma's birthday, but it was also their anniversary. This was such an amazing experience for me. I finally felt peace about my grandma's death and that as long as I'd learned my lesson about listening to prompting, I didn't need to feel so bad about it anymore.
Fast forward two weeks.
I got a text from my mom that grandpa Bateman was in the hospital. My grandpa has been relatively healthy and active up until now, so I was surprised. She assured me that everything was okay. I felt the same prompting that I had with my grandma 7 years earlier. I knew that I needed to go and see my grandpa. My mom kept reassuring me that everything was fine. The doctors were reassuring them of the same thing. I live about 45 minutes away from my grandpa. I remember telling a coworker about this feeling I had and she said to me, "you'll never regret going to see him". And the feeling of regret I had with my grandma came back just long enough for me to make my plan to get up and visit my grandpa. It was Saturday. My dad warned me that he wasn't really feeling great today. I was warned that he might be tired and ornery. I knew my grandpa in his good and bad times and I wasn't afraid to have a fork thrown at me. When we got to his hospital room he was just about to do some physical therapy and my amazing husband (a police officer) and uncle (an EMT) were able to go in and help. They were able to be there for him in his time of need. I don't know if my husband will ever know how grateful I was that we was able to help my grandpa in this situation. Once physical therapy time was done I got to go in and see my grandpa. It was just he and I for about 10 minutes. He was so tired from his PT and the medication that he was on. I felt so calm talking to him and asked him if he was okay. His blue eyes went big and he looked right at me and said something which I'm sure was not very nice (I couldn't understand him because of the mini strokes he had had) and said as clear as day, "So NO, I'm not okay!" with a big smile on his face (letting me know that he was semi-kidding about the prior unpleasantry, whatever it was). For the most part our 10 minutes was spent in silence. I held his hand until he fell asleep. This time was filed away with some of the most special times of my life. When we left I was so confused because he seemed to be okay, and would need some therapy but would pull through, but inside I knew that he wouldn't be around much longer.
Monday March 9, 2015 I got to go and spend my grandpa Bateman's last day on earth with him and all of our family members in the hospital. It was bitter/sweet. I felt the spirit so strong all day and I was so grateful for that time. My niece was able to sing the song A Child's Prayer to my grandpa and it was incredible the peace that seemed to fill the hospital room and even my grandpa's body as she sang the 2nd verse:
Pray, he is there. Speak, he is listening. You are his child. His love
now surrounds you. He hears your prayers. He loves the children.
Of such is the kingdom, the kingdom of heaven.
My grandpa was an amazing man. He served others up until the day that he died. He made everyone feel like they were his favorite. He also had an incredible testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. He shared his testimony often by word and through his actions. I am forever grateful that I was able to know him and to call him my grandpa.
Another lesson learned. I got to go to grandpa Bateman's funeral, and the closure that I ached for when my grandma died didn't come in the way that I thought it would when grandpa died. I still don't feel like he is gone gone. I still feel like it's just going to be a while until I see him again. Just like I did when grandma died. But now I understand that is because I KNOW that I will see him again. I will see my grandma again and everyone else that has and will die. The gospel of Jesus Christ teaches us that. But I also KNOW this because I feel it so strongly in my heart.
I know that my Heavenly Father loves me so much. This entire experience has taught me that. He knew that my heart ached and needed soothing for my grandma. He knew that I would need that same comfort when my grandpa died. I really felt like I was prepared for this in so many small ways. I teach the young woman at church and in January we focused on The Plan of Salvation. What is the purpose of this life? Where will I go after this life? etc. and in February we focused on the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Both things that I have learned about and know, but the reminder right before this trial have been such a comfort to me.
(pic cred to Val Bateman)
"Remember as you attended the funeral of your loved one the feelings in your heart as you drove away from the cemetery and looked back to see that solitary casket-wondering if your heart would break. I testify that because of him, even our Savior, Jesus Christ, those feelings of sorrow, loneliness, and despair will one day be swallowed up in the fullness of joy. I testify that we can depend on him and when he said: "I will not leave you comfort less: I will come to you." -Elder Shayne M. Bowen
No comments:
Post a Comment